american english

So apparently there's a hoodie from Burton called the "Sleeper" which is specially made for travel. It looks standard issue but read these specs:

• Contoured Design Light Shield
• Custom Sound Pocket with Headphone Cable Port
• Internal Label for Travel Log
• Internal Passport Pocket and Ticket Pocket with Zip Closure
• Removable, Inflatable Neck Pillow
• Ventilation Underarm Holes and Thumb Holes at Cuff (!!!!!!!!)

Basically it will allow me to be uncommunicative, lazy, AND less stinky. AMAZING. 

(UPDATE: IT'S $99.00! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? Burton, get out of here with that ish. This is a brokeass blog.)

Isn't it funny how you think you're going to Tokyo and you actually end up in the most confusing airport in Western Europe!? The best laid plans, y'all.

As some (none?) of you know I work for an unmentioned US airline and thus I spend my life jetsetting for free, collecting passport stamps as I glamorously glide through international hotspots in elegant designer wear. Does sarcasm really translate in text? Yes I travel for free which, don't get me wrong, is bloody amazing, but it means that I am forever at the mercy of the paid flyer. I, my friends, reside in standby purgatory. For those who aren't familiar with standby travel, it basically means you travel space available - if they can squeeze you in, you go. If not, well you're making friends with the bank of seats in the corner of the gate and settling down for a nice 5 hour nap until the next flight leaves. Generally I don't mind as I see myself as a rough and ready low matienance type but it does cause problems when you have 4 days to spend and will not get to your destination in the forseeable future. At that point, you truly learn the meaning of flexibility.

Instead of being a post about how Amsterdam is a beautiful and special snowflake and how I danced on her bridges and rode a bike all over her charming streets, this is going to be a rant about how I spent my time in Amsterdam bored out of my mind standing outside of various souvenir shops.

I generally like to travel solo but I decided to take along a friend of mine, Libby. She decided to invite her friend Kitty. Kitty is an all-inclusive booze and beach resort type. She does not like it when people speak Not-English and McDonalds has weird things on the menu like lettuce or juice. Now, you may think I'm being snobby for complaining about Kitty but please keep in mind that Libby, Kitty, and I are all from a very small town. A town where most people don't have passports. A town where 99% of citizens think that Bowling Green, OH is the furthest away from home you can travel without getting eaten by the magical creatures outside of the village boundaries. All those with small-town syndrome can I get a what what?!

Day 1: Kitty didn't want to stay in a hostel. She booked a hotel on Expedia and forgot to write the name down. Just remembered that it was "the Something Tulip." O RLY? We're in Holland. EVERYTHING is the Something Tulip. After about 2 hours we found the place. We went up to our room which was a hostel dorm with a private bathroom. My heart was self-righteously glad. We took a nap and then Kitty wanted to shop for souvenirs. Yay shopping!

Day 2: Kitty wanted to shop for souvenirs again. Libby agreed. I mentally compiled all the awesome places we were going to see later.

Day 3: Kitty wanted to shop for souvenirs she may have missed the first and second time. I wondered when later was going to come.

Day 4: Kitty wanted to continue her quest for the perfect penis mug or laser engraved pot leaf ashtray. I seriously considered suicide.

Day 5: Goodbye Amsterdam!

So if you're wondering what I saw in Amsterdam, the answer is more plastic dicks, joint keychains, funny sunglasses, and faux Delft pottery than you can possible imagine. I will be going back soon. By myself.

Came across an article today on Matador Trips titled '10 Things to Do in Amsterdam Besides Smoking Pot.'

I will be celebrating my 109th birthday at the end of August and I was wondering if Amsterdam is really as seedy as I've heard. Okay maybe not heard but fleetingly saw depicted in a documentary about prostitution in Europe. TV is an educational tool, kids. For example, did you know that hookers in Amsterdam have panic buttons and genital washing stations in their 'offices?' So pragmatic. Anyway, here's my favorite suggestion:

4) Night bike it.

Amsterdam is most romantic at night, when the city is aglow from lit up bridges and canals.

Start at Leidseplein and bike down Kerkstraat to the Amstel River, where you’ll find the Skinny Bridge in all its glory.

Cut across Waterlooplein to Jodenbreestraat, which takes you into Nieuwmarkt. Pay a visit to the Waag, a pub/restaurant that once formed the city wall, or brown bar Café ‘t Loosje (Nieuwmarkt 32-34).

Photo by katielips

Okay, I realize it's Friday but I just read an article on this nonsense. I know that soccer moms around the word are all a-twitter (figuratively and literally it seems) whenever a new catchphrase shows up on 'The View' but if I may, can I please forever ban 'staycation?'

Urban Dictionary (the only source that matters-where else can you learn the true meaning of SKEET SKEET SKEET!?) trolls define 'staycation' as a vacation that is spent at one's home enjoying all that home and one's home environs have to offer. Fer srs? Isn't that just called life? All time spent outside the office is really just all one big unpaid vacation. Instead of going on a real trip, you will spend your time swiffering the cat hair from under your couch, watching reruns of Battlestar Galactica, and experimenting with a rocky road only diet?  

I get that we're all poor (the dollar menu at Micky D's is a luxury at this point) but it's really not that hard to find something to do that doesn't cost you a small fortune. Hell, I live on the edge of civilization where people ask my Australian friends how they learned to speak English so well (true and amazing story) and even I can find a decent weekend under 300 bones.

Tips for how not to be lame:

1. Google that shit. Check the travel website for your state. Most of them have pretty detailed tourism info and lists of attractions you may not have ever seen. Even if it's across the state or in a neighboring one, if you can reach it on one tank of gas, it's not too far. Many state parks and beaches have free admission. Most attractions have half-off or even free days. It's worth the .34 cents you're spending for the hour of wifi to do a bit of research.

2. Pitch a tent. Camping sites are pretty cheap and generally plentiful (depending on your area of course, I don't think there's a ton of spots in East L.A.) or if you're not the camping type, hostelling is a slightly cleaner alternative. If you don't do hostels or camping, why are you reading this blog? There are no venti skinny whip lattes here! Begone!

3. Travel in a group. Most attractions will offer a group discount or discounts for students (I haven't been in school for years and I still get that discount), AAA members, YHA/HI members, etc. If worse comes to worse, you can do what me and my friends always do: get a two-bed hotel room for 100 bucks and split the cost between the 4 other people you'll sneak up later. JK? A lot of hotels and hostels offer discounts for groups if you book a tour through them. Not that I particularly recommend tours but if you're in a group with inexperienced travellers it might be a good option.

Basically, you have no excuse. GTFO.